Yes, it's possible to get out there and date after a particularly bad breakup. The most important tool you need is a healthy sense of confidence, which may take some time to build. Don't rush it Tips for Dating After a Breakup. If you’ve recently gone through a breakup, we’ve got you. In this post, we’re going to look at dating after a breakup, what to expect, and what is okay. Step Breakups will make you feel worthless and unlovable, you will feel like you're not worthy or you're not good enough. It's normal to feel like that after being broken up with. But also anyway i dont think if i did get an dating expert and learned proffesional techniques if i had to do all that jus to get a girl to like me.. i dont think she really liked me in the first place if a girl It's very common to feel this way after a break up. Don't worry. These are just feelings that are generated by your pain. They don't really mean anything. They certainly aren't predicting the ... read more
We need Him to help us grow and Blossom into who He created us to be. If you feel alone, read 7 Things to Remember When You Feel Like No One Cares. You have to find something different to set your heart on. To stop feeling unworthy and unlovable after a breakup, you have to base your self-image and self-worth on something holy, good, pure, right, trustworthy, loving, and compassionate. You can never feel deeply loved if you set your heart on a man, because all men fail.
And humans are weak, faulty, frail, vulnerable. Tell me: what will you set your heart on? You need to find something that will never fail you or let you down. But, he might run into unexpected troubles that create problems in your relationship. For example, he could experience an accident that causes a serious injury or wound. This could change everything about your relationship. Or, he might fall into a psychological or cognitive health issue such as depression and withdraw emotionally. He might even die.
When you feel unlovable after a breakup, you need to find what makes you feel lovable, worthy, and wanted again. No man can fill the hole in your heart and soul. I wrote Blossoming After a Breakup: The Courage and Creativity You Need to Restart Your Life! to help women start fresh, build their loves and self-images from the ground up, and find hope and excitement about the future!
Picture yourself happy, healthy, and filled with joy. You were meant to feel vibrant, happy, and free. He is the only unchanging, reliable, constant source of love, hope, power, light, strength, peace, forgiveness and joy.
He is the only way to get over those feelings of unlovability after a breakup, and start Blossoming into the woman He created you to be. First, you need to heal your heart after this breakup. Grieve the end of your relationship, and figure out why you feel so unwanted and unlovable. Get to the root of those problems. I wrote How to Let Go of Someone You Love: Powerful Secrets and Practical for Healing Your Heart to help you cope with the loss of a relationship.
The pain of breaking up affects every part of your life: your daily routine, work, family relationships, friends, hopes and dreams for your future, and even your financial plans. The first version of this ebook was called How to Let Go of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets and 75 Tips! for Healing Your Heart.
I wrote it several years ago, and have learned a lot about loving, losing, and letting go since then. So, I rewrote the ebook. My prayer is that it helps heal your heart, and gives you comfort and guidance. To learn how to let go, I interviewed life coaches, counselors, and grief coaches. I know how shocking, confusing, and heart-wrenching it is to let go of a relationship.
Learning how to let go of someone you love is about rediscovering who you are. How are you feeling? I welcome your thoughts below. Need encouragement? Stay in touch! Get my free weekly email Your First Name Your Email. Your email address will not be published.
Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email. Adding to one another's lives, but not desperation. Sharing love, but not toxic where it's to constantly validate your worth. It is possible to be in a very healthy relationship. Where it feels good, but you don't feel severely tied to it for your happiness to continue.
It's not easy to be alone when you've become somewhat addicted to the idea of love. Or addicted to feeling like you need someone in order to have worth or be happy. But it IS doable. It's choices, recognizing the patterns, breaking the cycle and wanting better. Doesn't the idea of being in a happy relationship where you feel content, but not desperate and not constantly fearful of them leaving, sound much better? Doesn't the idea of being strong on your own without needing someone to always validate your worth, sound better?
I feel like I'm unlovable and defective, unworthy of a true and pure love, because of my severe anxiety, chronic depression, and OCD. Unfortunately it seems like the anxiety, depression, OCD, has never been appropriately evaluated and treated. The things you mention are medical issues you need to see a physician for.
That's the first place to start. How is your home life and rapport with parents? Are there other factors contributing to stress?
thank you from the bottom of my heart for your incredibly thorough and accurate response. You know, these are exactly the words I've been needing to hear. It really is like a prison, to rely on being in a relationship or even a crush on someone for my only joy. It's not fair that I've convinced myself of that. And although it's going to be really difficult to break out of this cycle that I've chained and shackled myself to, it's going to be more than worth it!
Not all at once, of course, heh. I think that doing the things I've been wanting to do, rather than surfing the web and ruminating on my sad thoughts, would help me so much to learn to love myself more. It sounds incredibly fulfilling to make myself feel whole and complete on my own, and to turn my relationship with myself from a toxic and unhealthy one to a secure and healthy and positive one!!
Thank you, so much, again!!! I wish you the happiest holiday! It can be a tough road. I know, I've been down it. It's like learning anything new, you'll have days where you'll feel lonely, or even have tears again. Days where you'll fall back into the same fairytale thoughts of "if only my prince would come and save me".
But you will also have days where you will have the "aha" moments and look around you and see that you truly are happy and you don't need anyone like you thought you did. And it will feel freeing. There is a lot of strength inside if you, it was always there it will always be there. You just need to tap into it, look for it and focus on it. Learning to love yourself and to find your own strength, is one of the most valuable gifts you can give yourself.
It really will help you to break out of all of the toxic patterns and cycles that you've convinced yourself you need. One day you will find love you will. But this time around, if you've worked on yourself it will be much better.
Happier, less toxic, no desperation, no fear. You should get to a place where you can love someone, but you don't feel tied to them for everything worthy in your life and that your entire life will come crashing down if they leave. Get to a place where you love someone, but you know you'll be okay if it doesn't work out.
That it might be sad or disappointing, but not catastrophic. It's very common to feel this way after a break up. Don't worry. These are just feelings that are generated by your pain. They don't really mean anything.
They certainly aren't predicting the future. Nor should you. Be patient with yourself. This is a process that is going to take time. The only way out is through. There are no shortcuts, unfortunately. You will feel better. But if you continue to kick yourself in the teeth, it's going to take a long, long time.
So, stop kicking yourself in the teeth. Consider using your mind-spins in your own favor rather than to your detriment: Stop for a moment. Remind yourself that you own the power in THIS moment to decide whether you'll work toward building yourself UP rather than tearing yourself down. You can place your focus on that choice without trying to figure out anything about it. It's just a new choice, and it's something you can relax with for a while until you become comfortable and inspired by it.
When it's been a habit to talk yourself into a downward spiral, you can question that habit and decide to change it--one step at a time. Start by examining the 'idea' of self-talk. It's how we drive our emotions and behaviors, but it doesn't just happen TO us.
We drive it. You can decide at any moment that you're done using your self-talk to drill yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of--you're willing to begin your climb upward, instead.
These statements about UP versus DOWN are important, because they show us a clear division between choosing to be our own best advocate rather than our own enemy.
While this choice doesn't replace any help we may want to seek from others, it can stop us from self destruction long enough to choose the direction we want--it prompts us to make a deliberate decision about that. From there, you can begin a practice of considering and listing or journaling certain positive--and practical--comments that you'd want to hear from a good friend. Your friend can be imaginary, or, if you're very brave, it can be explanations that your Adult Self can make to help out your Child Self who continues to drive your emotional reactions today.
So, you can journal any of the helpful comments you've received from our fellow ENA users above. You can also consider some of the following:. Thank you so much for your continued support, dear!
I definitely need to be patient with myself, and stop kicking myself in the teeth. I've beat myself up all my life, and look where that's gotten me it's just put me in an insecure position all the time. If I hug myself and tell myself that it's not all my fault, and I am worthy of love from myself and others, then that would help me tremendously, I think. Thank you so much for your very detailed and precise reply!
I really like everything you said, but especially that I can decide at any point that I'm done with my negative self-talk. Even though it's going to be difficult and jarring to change, I am going to try my best to decide from this moment on that I'll stop being hard on myself.
And as much as I hate to accept it with my people-pleaser self, it is true that he may see me as a villain and not innocent and that's okay. I honestly see him as a bit of a villain now, in a way, so why should I expect him to see me as an innocent angel-like person? We're going to be seen as villain-type people in at least one person's lens in our life, and even if that person was the person to get to know us and talk to us more than anyone before yep my ex-boyfriend got to know me more than just about anyone, I think I know that I am a good person because I do feel guilt for mistreating him, and I try my best to be as gentle, kind, and good to everyone as I possibly can.
I think that more than anything, I need to forgive myself for not being a perfect robot-type and for being a flawed okay maybe not just flawed, but highly flawed human, because it's normal.
And I really like what you said about "Question what you have lost, exactly. I think I've just been concentrating on the affection and snuggles and kisses he gave me and how special that made me feel because no one gave me that before , and sure, I did like how cute some aspects of his personality were he had a really adorable laugh and he loved cats and squirrels and cute animals like I do, and he liked wholesome video games like I do as well but he also made me feel very unheard, invalid, and extra insecure.
He wasn't capable of giving me the kind of love I needed from another. Like, even if I did love myself and have myself in a good place mentally, I know I would still be unsatisfied by the way he treated me.
I need a more attentive, comforting, supportive, patient, and gentle person who won't throw in the towel when times get a little stormy. And also who will truly feel like home, who won't feel like an abandoned house with creaky floors that is going to topple over at even the slightest wind as that's how he made me feel.
I do acknowledge though that it isn't all his fault or all my fault. We were just not a good fit for each other. I need to keep reassuring myself that that's okay, and that I am not defective or a worthless garbage person for him falling out of love with me. He fell in love with me at one point, and that proves that I am lovable.
People fall in and out of love all the time, and that doesn't prove anything about the peoples' worth. Feelings are complex and ever-changing sometimes. It is rare, but something that does exist, to find someone who will fall in love with you and stay in love with you, who will embrace and love all of you, even the really big flaws and things you wanna change.
It addresses cognative distortions such as "if he loved me I'm lovable" and focuses on replacing self-defeating behaviors with productive behaviors. Or simply become aware of your negative self-talk, without judging. Just becoming aware will help you. You're gaining so much from this difficult time, and no doubt you will help the next person and the next.
Growth makes us generous-- but not just with others. The first person who will benefit from your efforts and your resilience is you. Update: I'm actually feeling even worse now I reached out to my mom to try to get comfort again, and she was exasperated surprise, surprise and said that I'm selfish and I should think about other people for a change instead of talking about "my problems" even though she knows how much this has been devastating me.
And she along with my dad keep on telling me to "move on already" even though it's only been almost a month. For some people it takes years to get over heartbreak. I hate that my parents are so unsupportive and terrible. I hate that I have next to no friends. I feel so alone and I'm starting to have dark thoughts again. I don't think I'd be able to do anything to actually hurt myself, but I just wish I could stop existing at times like this.
My parents have been pretty neglectful of me all my life even though they express how "wonderful" they are to me, and they say "sometimes we think we've been too good to you" but I feel like they have no idea how awfully they have made me feel sometimes.
It's no wonder I was so dependent on my boyfriend for happiness it was probably due to my parents not being very good to me throughout my life. Update-update: My dad came upstairs to talk to me and he was really sweet! but it also is understandable that they want me to stop focusing so much on the breakup because what's done is done and I can't change the past I know that my parents are trying their best. I'm really grateful that my parents are kind overall.
Sorry if I worried anyone. Perhaps you could ask your parents to take you to a doctor to address the moods and a therapist for ongoing support. I reached out to my mom to try to get comfort again, and she was exasperated surprise, surprise and said that I'm selfish and I should think about other people for a change instead of talking about "my problems".
My mom would say things like this to me, too. It's very frustrating when your parents are unsupportive. But you learn to get past it. My dad came upstairs to talk to me and he was really sweet! And if it does , you need to have a serious talk with yourself because that's all you Unless you like feeling terrible some people do! Yeah, I actually am having a phone call session with my therapist later today. Maybe I need to express to her how severely this is affecting me? I'm really sorry your mom would say things like that to you, too.
Yeah, I'm trying my best to give her a break now. And thanks! I hope she improves soon, too. What an unfortunate holiday season, with COVID and heartbreak. Ah, I hope it doesn't take me that long. My anxious mind has convinced me that my ex was the best guy and I blew it with him by being too needy and controlling.
And I'm starting to play scenarios in my head of him realizing he truly does love me and miss me, and leaving this new girl he's kissing so he can tell me that he loves me still and wants to make things work out.
He just seems so wholesome and cute still to me. Because of the bad stereotypes revolving around guys heck, some people even say "All men are trash" and it scares me , I feel like there's no way for me to find a guy like my ex again. He liked cute animals and cute things in general and would send me funny cat videos and adorable illustrations he found; he gave such funny and cute voices to my plushies I am very childlike, heh.
even though, in the end, he broke my trust, but still. I wonder if there is, miraculously, another guy out there with all these qualities and more? I feel like there isn't. I'm terrified there isn't. I'll have to bring this up in my therapy appointment. Yes there are other guys out there like what you've described. And some even better than this guy. This guy wasn't as great as your mind is making him out to be. He wasn't nice to you all the time, he was deceitful, he told you very cruel things like "might as well dump you at your lowest point?
That's not nice to think, never mind tell someone!! You're creating a fantasy of who he was, but in truth, he had very bad parts to him as well and he could be very hurtful and was very hurtful. It's possible to meet someone every bit as "cute" as this guy and someone as well who won't lie to you, who will be good to you and won't be so mean with you.
There are a billion people in this world, this guy is only a lesser version of what you need. You haven't met the better version yet. By Jakeissorry Started Monday at PM. By GordonFreeman Started Monday at AM. By boltnrun Started Thursday at PM. By sysnoot Started Sunday at PM. Yahoo posted a blog entry in News , September Newsweek posted a blog entry in News , September The Guardian posted a blog entry in News , September Joyanima posted a blog entry in Youtube , March Mark Rosenfeld posted a blog entry in Youtube , March Forums Clubs Browse Guidelines Online Users Leaderboard More Activity All Activity Search Our Picks More Videos Breakup Dating Health Infidelity Mental Health Parenting Relationships More Articles More More Everywhere This Forum This Topic Status Updates Topics Pages Blog Entries Products Members.
All Activity Home Feeling like I'm unlovable and blaming myself after breakup? Feeling like I'm unlovable and blaming myself after breakup?
Start new topic. Prev 1 2 Next Page 1 of 2. Recommended Posts. heartslament Posted December 20, Posted December 20, Hi, I already posted here about my situation, but in case you don't know, my first love dumped me and then kissed another girl within a week of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options Capricorn3 Posted December 20, How long were you two together, and how old are you?
I feel so terrible. Please, anyone who has the power, delete this thread SherrySher Posted December 20, It's being human. Don't give up on you! Give yourself time. I believe in you. Being in a relationship where you are desperately needing that person, is a type of prison.
It is very toxic and you will never break out of the cycle of desperately needing someone. NO one will ever be able to take that from you if you are able to achieve that. But it's also a choice. It can be a very hard cycle to break out of. These are choices you CAN make, but it's up to you to give yourself a better life.
Wiseman2 Posted December 20, That's a type of prison. You are more than welcome. That's not a good place to be. Many hugs back. You'll get there. Happy Holidays.
Jibralta Posted December 20, catfeeder Posted December 20, You can also consider some of the following: Adolescence doesn't end at age 18, it continues in terms of brain and emotional development through mid 20's in most people: so your level of maturity today is NOT 'all you've got'.
By heartslament , December 20, in Healing After Break Up or Divorce. I already posted here about my situation, but in case you don't know, my first love dumped me and then kissed another girl within a week of that.
I've been torn up inside about things, because it's a very Rather than him doing something absolutely dreadful and me being practically an angel the whole relationship, or vice-versa, I realize that I had a lot of faults and he did too. I mean, for goodness sakes, I was the one who dumped him within about two days of him asking me to be his girlfriend last autumn.
But then I got back together with him because I felt pulled to him, probably because he seemed like a good guy overall when I met him and I wasn't used to feeling wanted by anyone before. But I really wanted to fall in love and have a sweet boyfriend to have nice times with, and he seemed to be the only good guy on these online dating apps. and he admitted it was really difficult to deal with me when I was sad a lot it's understandable though He was so incredibly confusing.
But, I was too The breakup was triggered, however, by me being very awful I told him that my schedule for that day was open if he did want to have me over, but I understood that he might want to have some alone time and play video games with his friends online or whatever, and I wouldn't hold it against him if he did that.
He said "I love you very much" and thanked me for that. I viewed it as a test sort of thing in my head for some reason, and when he said he was going to just spend the night alone, I was angry and insecure, so I lashed out at him. We were in a phone call and he was brought to tears and said, "I don't know how much more of this I can take I drove over so that we could sort it out like we usually did, as I tended to get upset with my insecurity more and more over time.
This time though, he looked at me just completely broken, with no love left in his eyes. He revealed to me that he felt like he's been falling out of love with me for the past few months, and he initially set a break from each other rather than explicitly a breakup. A few days later, I drove over there and embraced him and told him I could change everything about myself for him, make all the compromises possible so that he could be happy in a relationship with me.
I was absolutely desperate. I told him also that I could have kids that was another factor he listed; he wants children in the future and I'd rather be in a relationship where we travel and have cute cats and stuff and that I could give him as much space as he wanted, that I could not be so needy anymore and I could hide my sad and angry emotions from him. He looked at me with a very sad half-smile and said that he couldn't. He said that it wouldn't be fair for me to compromise so very much while he's not compromising anything for me.
I begged him to reconsider for practically a half-hour, and he said that he had to put his foot down on this one even though it was really hard to say no to me. He expressed how unhappy we've both been and how we deserve more compatible partners, and he told me how our relationship was unhealthy.
Since then, he accused me of abuse one night in a phone call and retracted his use of the word and admitted he only said that word because he knew how much I would hate being accused of it, and that he didn't know what "true abuse" is, but he restated that he does think we are unhealthy together.
But he did say that if I did abuse him it was "accidental abuse. He said he doesn't think of me as an abuser, though. So that's good I guess? We aren't in contact anymore, and I'm trying my best to stay off of his social media channels, but with how complex and strange our relationship dynamic was, I've been torturing myself thinking about the details and all my questions.
Even though practically everyone I've talked to has said that it sounds like he was the one who was a deceiving jerk, I can't help but continue blaming myself for it all. I am wondering if he was the peak and I blew it with him. Even though even our happiest moments weren't all that great. Even though I felt nothing other than a sort of warmness in my belly when he kissed me and even during intimacy.
I feel like I'm unlovable and defective, unworthy of a true and pure love, because of my severe anxiety, chronic depression, and OCD the intrusive thoughts kind. I feel terrible for also sort of deceiving him, coming back to him after breaking up with him last year just because I thought he was the only one for me.
I treated his heart like it was just something easily mended when hurt. And he even told me that he knows that my love for him wasn't a completely pure-hearted, selfless love; he knows that I had the best intentions and that I didn't mean to hurt him with this, but that I mostly just was in love with the concept of love. I hate that I'm like this. I feel so dreadful. I wonder if there's any hope for me to learn to love myself and find love one day with a guy who truly gives me the spark and butterflies and true, pure feelings of love?
I hate knowing that the girl he's kissing now is going through all these lovey-dovey feelings with him, and that they're probably going to celebrate Valentine's Day together even though last Valentine's Day which we spent together he said he hoped that we'd have many more Valentine's Days to spend together, and that he probably sees her as way more stable and better than me I know that I'm prettier than her I asked him to see his lockscreen which was a selfie of them together; I honestly think I'm waaay prettier than her, but that's the only way I have the upper hand she's probably way more talented and a better person than me and not mentally ill I hate that, in reference to her, he said he's "found something he's been looking for forever," which I'm assuming is a true and healthy love.
I feel so worthless since he was my entire world, but he's already moved on to kiss another girl just like that. It feels like he doesn't care at all about me.
I even got COVID and he just said to take care. I'm wrestling with so many feelings of hurt, unlovable feelings, and like I'm never ever gonna be worthy of anyone good.
But I don't wanna give up hope on love, or myself. Please help me. I am seeing a counselor currently, but I feel like she isn't helping me much. I'm too scared to find a new counselor though, because the last time I tried, the counselor was super mean and called me a literal brat just because I was sad about moving from my beloved childhood home to a new, less spacious home.
Please try to be gentle-ish with me, as I'm being vulnerable and putting myself out there with this. TL;DR: I made lots of mistakes in my past relationship and was selfish, and I'm scared I won't ever find love especially due to my mental illness. Also struggling with feelings of jealousy even though I know that we were bad for each other.
We were together on-and-off since November of last year; steady since February of this year. I'm 23 and he's But, all I get when I read your post is an overwhelming sense of a very very insecure, young girl , feels more like late teens , extremely low self-esteem, very low self-confidence and very desperate to have a boyfriend in her life.
Add to all of that, jealous tendencies as well and you end up with a mixed bag of sad, depressed and desperate individual. ALL of which, unfortunately, is not going to be attractive to most people. For now, forget about all this desperate need to "find love", and focus solely on sorting out all of your own issues even if it takes a year or two.
I wish you well. I feel really embarrassed now. Is there a way to delete this thread forever? Please don't feel embarrassed - there is nothing to be embarrassed about!
I'm sorry my post made you feel that way and I apologise, as I really did not intend for it to make you feel bad. You can learn a lot from this past relationship, about his behaviour, your own behaviour etc and what went wrong and why. That's a good thing. Take it with you. Nothing to feel bad about. Hearts, you needed to get this out of you, for someone to hear you.. to vent. And you know what? It was a very healthy thing to do. You can't keep letting all of this sit inside of you, it will eat away at you.
Don't be embarrassed. We all have had issues in our lives that we had to face and learn how to cope with or grow from. You're recognizing your faults, you're owning up to them, wanting to be better, wanting to grow. That's a HUGE step forward and a really great thing to see!! It takes courage to admit to your own issues and even more courage to talk about it. Don't ever lose that! You are much stronger than you realize. Your ex boyfriend was correct in some of the things he said, you two together made for an unhealthy combination.
Some people aren't meant for us even if we love them, even if we really want them to be. Sometimes we are just not compatible with that person and it won't work no matter how much we want it to.
It doesn't mean you're broken, it doesn't mean you're worthless please stop saying those things to yourself. If you want to get better and to heal, you will have to be more gentle with yourself, more patient, more kind.
You know you have issues with anxiety and with being insecure. Lots of people do, not just you. Lots do. But if you are again recognizing it and willing to work on it, then you are going in the right direction. There are groups online that you could join that will not only give you a sense of community for those dealing with similar issues, but will give you more information that will help you. You are in the process of growing. And that's okay.
I know I didnt deserve to be treated that way but I just feel heartbroken, like I'll never be good enough or maybe something is wrong with me. I do feel proud of myself for getting out of that Yes, you can overcome feeling unlovable! People who feel this way can benefit from therapy services. Find a therapist whose training and expertise fit with your background and other Yes, it's possible to get out there and date after a particularly bad breakup. The most important tool you need is a healthy sense of confidence, which may take some time to build. Don't rush it It's very common to feel this way after a break up. Don't worry. These are just feelings that are generated by your pain. They don't really mean anything. They certainly aren't predicting the Tips for Dating After a Breakup. If you’ve recently gone through a breakup, we’ve got you. In this post, we’re going to look at dating after a breakup, what to expect, and what is okay. Step I am what I am and that's all I can be. Take me or - Break Up & Divorce Question. I have an attitude I've developed and nurtured over the many years I've been alive. Fuckit. I am what I ... read more
am not young anymore, even if i trusted him i dont want to trust him anymore angmd i dont want to keep hoping for something thats not going to happen. Hearts, you needed to get this out of you, for someone to hear you.. Your silence is louder than any word. Thank you so much for writing this blog and providing a space for other women to share and connect. Receiving Survivors Benefits Early. You are not a bad person because you want sex and relationships.Being appreciated can feel like a trick, after a break up online dating feeling unlovable. I wrote it several years ago, and have learned a lot about loving, losing, and letting go since then. I hate that, in reference to her, he said he's "found something he's been looking for forever," which I'm assuming is a true and healthy love. The only thing that keep a me going is to b r liver there us an afterlife and that one day we may be together again. Thanks for letting me post here and get some of my frustration. Life of upper class women in the Japanese Heian court.